‘I Don’t Feel Like Myself’: Understanding and Coping With a Loss of Identity in Postpartum Depression

Having a baby can change nearly every part of your life, including how you spend your time, how you relate to your partner and friends, how you feel about your body, and even how you see yourself. With so much energy suddenly focused on caring for your baby, it’s common for new parents to feel detached from the person they were before.

For people with postpartum depression (PPD), feeling a loss of identity can be even more intense, experts say. Symptoms like persistent sadness, crying, low motivation, and difficulties with daily functioning can make it harder to stay connected to the roles, relationships, and hobbies that once helped define you.

But coping with this loss of identity doesn’t have to mean trying to return to exactly who you were before your new baby arrived. Instead, recovery can involve treating your depression, giving yourself time to rediscover parts of yourself that still bring joy and meaning, and allowing your identity to evolve alongside your role as a mother.

Why Can a Loss of Identity Happen in Postpartum Depression?

Before having a baby, your identity may be shaped by many roles: partner, friend, daughter, professional, athlete, or artist. Motherhood adds another layer, and it can quickly become all-consuming, says Milicent Fugate, MD, a reproductive psychiatrist and the director of the day program at the Motherhood Center in New York City, where she specializes in treating people who are pregnant, postpartum, or trying to become pregnant.

“It’s so easy to have a loss of identity going through birth and into the postpartum period because your life has changed in a way that’s really hard to ever comprehend or plan for,” she says.

As parents devote their time to tending to the needs of their babies, they may feel disconnected from other parts of their identity. “It can feel like, ‘Who am I outside of this role as a mother?’ It can be jarring in so many ways,” she says.

The experience is heightened for parents living with PPD, says Laudy Burgos, LCSW, a board member of Postpartum Support International and the associate director of social work in the women’s and children’s division at Mount Sinai Hospital in New York City.

After giving birth, mothers are managing a major life transition paired with a lack of sleep, hormonal changes, and physical recovery. “For women with PPD, it’s intensified because you have depression, you’re dealing with crying spells, sadness, a lack of motivation, all in addition to what everyone else goes through, in terms of losing yourself,” she says.

How to Cope With a Loss of Identity in Postpartum Depression

If you’re struggling with a loss of identity in PPD, these five expert tips can help.

1. Treat Your Depression First

Because PPD can deepen feelings of a loss of identity, treating depression is an important first step toward feeling more like yourself again in this situation.

“I really urge [people] to treat the depression, and I tell them that once their depression starts getting better, that loss of identity is not going to be as strong,” she says.

Identity is discussed in most types of therapy, Dr. Fugate says. So is acknowledging your feelings, whether it’s a loss of self, struggling with a loss of independence, or not enjoying every part of motherhood.

Naming and normalizing these emotions helps, Burgos says. “Sometimes when I tell a mom that many of my patients feel this way, I see a sigh of relief. Recognize that these identity shifts are a normal part of becoming a mom and know that other moms are going through it too,” she says.

2. Start Small and Work Your Way Up

Especially if you have PPD and symptoms that are severe, trying to jump immediately back into your old responsibilities and social life may feel impossible. Fugate recommends meeting yourself where you are.

“If someone can barely get out of bed, deciding to go have dinner with your friend may not be an achievable goal,” she says.

Instead, Fugate asks her patients to find 30 minutes for something they genuinely enjoy — not showering, grocery shopping, laundry, or another household task. It might be reading, painting, listening to music, or watching a favorite show.

“This is about time for you and what brings you joy outside of being a mom, being [your partner’s significant other], and being someone who lives in the household,” she says.

From there, you can gradually add activities that help you connect with others, like a video call, a quick coffee, and eventually an outing with friends or family. The idea is to choose a goal that matches your current energy and functional levels, then build from there.

Carving out this me-time is crucial in recovering parts of yourself that aren’t tied to your identity as a mother, says Lulu Zhao, MD, an obstetrician-gynecologist and the codirector of women's behavioral health at Cleveland Clinic in Ohio, where she specializes in mood disorders during key reproductive transitions, such as pregnancy and postpartum.

“There are very different dimensions of ourselves and just because you’re a mom, it doesn’t mean you don’t retain parts of your old self,” Dr. Zhao says.

3. Challenge the Idea of a Picture-Perfect Motherhood

“Historically, there’s been this view of motherhood as sunshine, rainbows, everything’s perfect. You hold your new baby in your arms, and you have a purpose, and you move forward. That might be some individuals’ experience of matrescence, but that’s not true for everyone else,” Fugate says.

When your own experience is exhausting, lonely, or overwhelming — especially when you’re also dealing with PPD — the gap between what you thought motherhood would feel like and what you’re actually experiencing can deepen feelings of disconnection from yourself, Fugate says.

Letting go of the expectation that you should be able to do everything can help, Burgos says. “It’s very important to adjust your expectations, let go of that perfectionism and recognize that it’s okay to ask for help as you adjust to this new role.”

Be mindful of social comparison, too. Fugate says some of her patients have intentionally detoxed from social media because seeing feeds filled with seemingly perfect mothers, babies, and routines made them feel inadequate. Creating distance from those images, even temporarily, can make it easier to develop more realistic expectations of what motherhood — and your own transition into it — should look like.

4. Honor the Healing Process

New mothers often want to rush through the healing process instead of honoring recovery, Zhao says. “There’s eagerness to go back to pre-pregnant bodies, to take kids to all the activities, and be everything for everyone again.”

But healing both physically and emotionally takes time. “You can’t make the brain heal faster just because you’re ready to be normal again. I see a lot of women not give themselves the time and grace and support they need to truly recover,” she says.

Pushing yourself may put women with PPD at a higher risk for relapse, Zhao says. Give yourself permission to move at your own pace and accept that adjusting to motherhood — and figuring out what life looks like now — is an ongoing process rather than something you need to accomplish within a few months.

Include your support system on your journey. This can look like seeing a therapist or confiding in your partner, family, and friends who provide positive, compassionate support, Zhao says. “You need to feel like you have enough support so when you hit those downs and you’re questioning yourself, you have a village around you who can carry you through that,” she says.

This “village” can also provide practical support, such as watching your baby so you have time to go to therapy, rest, or take time for your hobbies.

5. Embrace Your Evolving Identity

Burgos says that treating PPD, staying connected to supportive people, carving out me-time to rediscover what you once enjoyed, and practicing self-compassion can help you recognize that the person you were before motherhood is still there, even as you grow into a new version of yourself.

“I tell my patients this verbatim: ‘The goal isn’t to get back to your old self … motherhood changes us, just as other life transitions do. The goal is to integrate who you were before with who you are becoming,’” Burgos says.

Rather than measuring recovery by how closely you resemble your pre-baby self, consider which parts of that identity you want to carry forward, and how they can fit alongside your new role as a parent, she says.

That may mean reconnecting with relationships, interests, routines, or parts of your personality that still feel important to you, while acknowledging your priorities have changed and day-to-day life may also look different now, Burgos says.

“I give [mothers] hope and remind them: Many women ultimately develop a richer, more resilient sense of self, and that includes but is not limited to their identity as a mom. I really encourage moms to remember they’re not losing themselves, they’re evolving,” she says.