What Is BDSM? Fundamentals, Types, and Safety Tips

BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, and sado-masochism) is often met with a side-eye and a label of “kinky” or “taboo,” but there’s much more to it than those perceptions. BDSM encompasses a wide variety of sexual preferences and practices that should have safety and clear communication at the root. As interest in BDSM grows, education is key to a pleasurable experience.

If you’re thinking about exploring BDSM in your sex life, here is what you need to know before adding it to your relationship.

Fundamentals of BDSM

BDSM is often linked to bondage and discipline, but it can incorporate other activities without the aggressiveness that can be associated with it. Here are some key elements of BDSM:

• Consent is always involved. “Just because you may be in a committed relationship or married does not mean that you have an all-access pass to that individual’s body,” says Michael Grey, PsyD, a licensed marriage and family therapist and board-certified sexologist in Irvine, California. “Consent can be taken away at any time, and that needs to be honored.”
• Fantasies, role-playing, and costumes can be included. “The BDSM umbrella can include a wide range of practices, desires, fantasies, and experiences — from the soft and subtle to the painful and intense,” says Jessica O’Reilly, PhD, a sex and relationship expert and the founder of Happier Couples, a resource that provides relationship education to couples, in Toronto. “It’s up to you to decide how you define your play.”
• Dominance and restraints can be part of it, but not every sexual encounter has to be rough. “BDSM sex is so much more than spanking, bondage, rough and taboo power dynamic role-playing, and advanced sex tools,” says Sofie Roos, a licensed sexologist and relationship therapist from Stockholm. “It’s also the vulnerability and beauty in giving away control, even if it’s just something as soft as letting your partner set the tempo or command what sex position to have, or to put on a blindfold and let them massage you.”
• BDSM is not abuse. For Potthoff, it’s also important that individuals remember that BDSM isn’t equivalent to abuse. “Abuse is about one person exerting control without consent, whereas BDSM depends on mutual agreement, trust, and respect,” she says.

Types of BDSM

BDSM incorporates a variety of pain-pleasure experiences; it can include these activities:

• Bondage (restraint or restriction)
• Wax (dripping hot wax on the skin)
• Impact (spanking, slapping, caning, and flogging)
• Sensation (using tools such as feathers, a paddle, or burlap on the skin)
• Sensory deprivation (blindfolds, earmuffs, and earplugs)
• Power play, such as master-slave role-playing

Patti Britton, PhD, MPH, a co-founder of the credentialing and training institute Sex Coach U and a past president of the American Association for Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, points out that seeking the pain-pleasure connection is not unique to the BDSM community. Think of athletes who push past physical comfort to experience a runner’s high or people who chase thrills by engaging in dangerous extreme sports like skydiving. Think of the bliss that lovers of super spicy food experience when biting into a pepper that sets their mouth on fire, or the rush of fear when riding a roller coaster or watching a horror movie.

“There are two essential things to know about BDSM,” says Dr. Britton. “It is always voluntary, and the reason people do it is because it feels good. There’s something about transcending pain that can be almost a spiritual experience. It releases the self from the body. I’ve had people tell me, ‘The more my body is restrained, the freer I feel.’”

Why Are People Drawn to BDSM?

“The draw for couples is multifaceted,” says Dr. O’Reilly. “Some are looking to add excitement and novelty, while others crave deeper intimacy, psychological exploration, or the trust building that comes with playing in power dynamics. At its core, BDSM is about creating an intentional space where couples can communicate openly, step outside of everyday roles, and explore sensations and desires in ways that feel thrilling and affirming.”

How to Add BDSM to Your Relationship

If you’re looking to add BDSM to your sex life, experts recommend keeping these tips in mind.

Communicate Often

Experts say that communication is the first and most important step you should take before participating.

“The absolute first thing is to make sure both — or all — parties are on board,” says Shanna K. Kattari, PhD, an associate professor at the University of Michigan School of Social Work. “If one person is super stoked about adding in some kink but the other is against it or even just neutral, this is not the time or place to make this happen. Simply saying you want to try BDSM is not enough — the two of you will need to discuss what turns you on about the idea.”

And communication can’t stop there. In fact, discussions about what BDSM looks like in the relationship should be ongoing, says David F. Khalili, a couples therapist, board-certified sexologist, and founder of Rouse Relational Wellness in San Francisco.

Set Boundaries and Safe Words and Signals

“Establish clear consent protocols,” Khalili says. “Agree on safe words or signals before any activity. Everyone should feel empowered to pause or stop at any time. This builds trust and ensures the experience remains positive for both partners.”

When it comes to safe words, don’t underestimate the importance of having a plan established prior to things getting spicy, and make sure it’s not a word that could be easily used during play.

“The more you plan, the better the chances of having a safe and healthy BDSM session,” says Roos. “Many people have the idea of BDSM sex being spontaneous and that it just plays out, but that’s wrong. When it comes to BDSM, it’s actually kind of a paradox where the more you plan, the more you can improvise since you know the frames to act within.”

Experts agree that the conversations leading up to sex are key to maintaining a healthy BDSM relationship as it evolves and grows. Bonnie Scott, MA, LPC-S, a therapist and owner of Mindful Kindness Counseling in San Antonio, Texas, says that it might be beneficial to utilize a red, yellow, and green questionnaire to help narrow down what's a definite no, definite yes, or maybe, and then compare your responses with your partner’s wishes. “BDSM comes in all levels of intensity, which means even those green ideas have to be discussed,” she says. “If you want to be restrained, that may not mean you want to be hog-tied; you might just be imagining a scarf or handcuffs. That's why you've got to discuss and find your limits together.”

Practice Aftercare

After the session ends, experts suggest continuing the conversation, providing aftercare to each other to find out what worked and didn’t work, and to reconnect outside of BDSM.

“[Aftercare] is a way to seal the practice of BDSM, and it should not be skipped,” says Dr. Grey. “It sets people up for containment and emotional care after play, and builds connection and safety. Pay attention to how you feel afterward. If you start to struggle, are having a hard time with the come down, notice that you are fawning and not able to speak up, or have a flashback, see a trauma-informed sex therapist ASAP — don’t delay.”

Safe and Risk-Aware Kink

If you’re planning on trying kink at home, experts advise going to a class, reading a book, listening to a podcast, or checking out informational videos on YouTube before trying anything other than light BDSM to learn how to engage in this erotic expression safely.

“You have to learn this,” says Britton. “You don’t just go to Home Depot and buy a rope and tie your husband up. BDSM play is not random. It’s not built on spontaneity. It’s built on anticipating a set of behaviors that are negotiated beforehand.”

It’s also important to ensure physical safety for all participants. Dr. Kattari says that the same rules of safe sex apply when it comes to having discussions about using protection and STI testing. But it’s also important to know how to participate safely in BDSM, including “learning how to properly spank, ways to avoid cutting off circulation or causing nerve damage with bondage, as well as talking about what might come up — trauma might be activated, or someone might bruise more than expected," says Kattari.

Additionally, she reminds participants that they should never play when under the influence of drugs or alcohol, as it can make it harder to communicate effectively, dull pain sensors, and impair judgment.

BDSM: Beyond Taboo

If you are drawn to BDSM, experts want you to remember that human sexuality is normal. There’s nothing wrong with you or your desires.

Ultimately, experts agree that it’s important that you create a safe space where you can feel empowered and heard.

“Most importantly, remember that healthy BDSM is about connection, not just physical sensation,” says Khalili. “When done thoughtfully, it can strengthen relationships by building trust, improving communication, and creating space for authentic self-expression. Your desires are valid, your safety matters, and you deserve to explore your sexuality in ways that bring you joy and fulfillment.”

The Takeaway

• BDSM, short for bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, and sado-masochism, encompasses a variety of sexual practices that require safety and clear communication.
• BDSM can include fantasy, costumes, role-play, dominance, and restraints. Above all else, consent is key.
• Experts recommend frequent communication, clear boundaries, and aftercare when engaging in healthy BDSM.