7 Ways to Overcome Toxic Positivity When You Have Metastatic HR+/HER2- Breast Cancer

If you’ve been diagnosed with metastatic HR-positive, HER2-negative breast cancer, there’s no right way to feel. “You are sitting with an enormous amount of uncertainty, and it’s normal to have waves of being terrified, anxious, worried, fearful, and exhausted,” says Helen Coons, PhD, a board-certified clinical health psychologist based in Denver who specializes in working with women who have cancer.

While it’s good to be cautiously optimistic that you’ll respond well to treatment, forcing yourself into a positive mindset doesn’t leave room for the range of normal, healthy emotions you’re experiencing. Learning how to let those feelings out and express them in healthy ways can help you avoid the toxic positivity trap.

1. Let Yourself Have a Good Cry

It’s not weak to let yourself be vulnerable this way. Crying can be a healthy outlet for overwhelming emotions, such as sadness and frustration, which are completely appropriate when you have metastatic HR-positive, HER2-negative metastatic breast cancer, says Coons. Allowing yourself to feel those emotions instead of putting them aside can help you avoid toxic positivity and process what you’re going through more honestly.

2. Talk Things Out With a Supportive Loved One

One of the things Coons often hears from people with cancer is that they avoid being honest with their loved ones, because they don’t want to burden them or take them to a dark place. But chances are, your loved ones are experiencing many of the same emotions you are. “When you give voice to your feelings, it not only lets everybody else understand where you are but also gives permission for them to have their feelings, too,” she says.

Engaging in open and honest conversations with a trusted friend, family member, or partner can be very therapeutic. It’s important to connect with someone who listens without judgment and offers support without dismissing your concerns or pressuring you to look on the bright side. You’re also allowed to tell them when something they say isn’t helpful or if you just want them to listen without offering advice. Having a space where you can speak openly about your fears and frustrations without being expected to stay positive can help you feel truly heard.

3. Start Journaling

4. Get Creative

You don’t need to be a professional artist. Try doodling, making a collage, or scrapbooking. If you enjoy music, blast some of your favorite songs and have a solo karaoke session. Anything that helps you let your feelings out can be worthwhile.

5. Stay Active

Physical activity is not only beneficial for your body but also a great way to relieve stress. Staying active is a great way to support your emotional well-being without needing to ignore or minimize the challenges you’re facing.

Coons recommends working with your medical oncologist to find an exercise plan that’s right for you. “What you want is regular exercise that isn’t going to hurt your bones and will make you feel more energized, not more fatigued,” she says. Her recommendations are low-impact activities such as seated yoga, tai chi, and, if your body can tolerate it, walking or hiking.

6. Connect With Nature

Spending time outside can be a great way to reconnect with yourself and how you’re feeling. Nature can provide a peaceful setting to acknowledge your emotions instead of feeling pressured to hide them behind positivity. The calming aspects of being in nature may support your physical and mental well-being, says Coons.

Take some time for yourself to be alone with your thoughts, or go on a hike with friends and have a venting session. If you want to spend time in nature while connecting with other women who understand what you’re going through, Coons recommends programs such as Casting for Recovery, which offers free fly-fishing retreats for women with breast cancer.

7. Talk to Someone Who Understands What You’re Going Through

Coons emphasizes the importance of having a support network of people you can turn to, so you’re not always alone with your thoughts and feelings. She recommends talking to a therapist who specializes in working with people who have breast cancer, such as a cancer social worker or cancer psychologist. Ask about counseling services available through the hospital or clinic where you receive treatment.

She also recommends joining a support group, which may be offered in person or online. Connecting with people who understand what you’re going through gives you a space where all of your emotions — not just the positive ones — are welcome. Just know that it might take some trial and error to find the right community for you. To get started, check out the National Breast Cancer Foundation’s list of support groups.