Narcissistic Victim Syndrome: How to Spot It and What to Do

Some people with narcissistic traits or narcissistic personality disorder may consistently cast themselves as the injured party, no matter the situation. Experts sometimes call this pattern narcissistic victim syndrome, a mix of self-pity, blame-shifting, and emotional manipulation that can leave partners, friends, and family members confused and exhausted.

Spotting the signs of someone with a victim complex and developing ways to understand them could help you maintain or repair a relationship with that person.

What Is Narcissistic Victim Syndrome?

“Victim syndrome in narcissism is when narcissistic individuals act innocent and manipulate situations to receive sympathy, deflect accountability and/or responsibility, and to portray themselves as unfairly treated,” says Natalie Jambazian, a Los Angeles–based therapist specializing in narcissistic abuse recovery and the creator of the Self-Love Society, a self-love coaching practice for survivors of narcissistic abuse.

“By adopting a victim mentality, they create a scenario where others feel compelled to offer support, further boosting the narcissist’s self-esteem,” Jambazian says. “This tactic allows them to maintain control over their perspective, painting others as the aggressors and positioning themselves as the innocent sufferers.”

To support a positive external image, narcissists may want to be treated like a person who has been hurt and is innocent in every situation.

“They receive admiration and attention from others as a source of validation and self-worth,” Jambazian says. “Creating an idealized image of themselves helps defend against any underlying feelings they experience, such as insecurity, unworthiness, or inadequacy.”

By portraying themselves as the victim, narcissists also can affect how others see and treat them.

“When [narcissists] act as victims, their partners may jump in to try to ‘fix’ or ‘rescue’ the narcissist from the situation or circumstance,” says Corissa Stepp, a holistic-trauma-informed coach specializing in narcissistic abuse who is based in New Jersey.

“If others are not validating and acknowledging publicly how special they are, or maintaining their unrealistic — and often false — representations of who they are, they disconnect or fall apart,” says Antoinette Bonafede Shine, LCSW, a New York-based therapist and founder of Everybody’s Place Psychotherapy. “Victimizing is just one way that a narcissist will use manipulation to keep their narrative alive.”

6 Ways to Spot a Victim Narcissist

Not all people who display narcissist victim syndrome share the same traits. But there are some behaviors that may consistently pop up.

1. Blaming Others

Shifting blame or responsibility may occur with people with this condition.

“Narcissists are insecure deep down inside, and they don’t like to be ‘wrong’ or admit to their mistakes,” Jambazian says.

2. Sharing ‘Woe Is Me’ Stories

Often, people with this condition may tell stories of mistreatment, and the stories may have holes.

“You might notice them painting a picture of scenarios where they are brutally wronged or unfairly treated over and over again,” says Shine. “After some time, you will likely see that they are very vague in the details and either won’t follow up with an outcome or will give you a very one-sided story,” she adds.

3. Reacting Unfavorably to Criticism

People with this condition may interpret constructive criticism as an attack.

“They may be reactive to your input and lash out or act cold and shut down,” Jambazian says.

They also may get defensive, Shine says. This can make communication a challenge.

4. Refusing to Take Accountability

“When confronted or told how their actions hurt you, people with this condition may say, ‘I don’t remember saying that’ or ‘That’s not what I meant; you took that out of context,’” Jambazian says.

“They would like to hear confirmation that they are not at fault,” she adds.

5. Engaging in ‘Reverse Projection’

This might mean shifting the conversation to confuse the other party.

“They make the other person feel guilty, and all the while they are the ones fabricating the story as if what you did hurt them,” Jambazian says.

6. Repeating Troubling Behavior

Narcissistic victim traits are most concerning when they are repeated.

If you suspect that a friend or loved one engages in this behavior too often, Stepp recommends asking yourself these summarizing questions:

• Does the person constantly blame everyone else for things that have gone wrong in their life?
• Does the person often bounce between jobs and lose friends and romantic partners?
• Does the person have a difficult time achieving goals?

How to Cope With a Victim Narcissist

Stepp shares an acronym with three key markers of narcissism to help keep it simple: ERA, which stands for empathy, remorse, and accountability. If a person almost never displays any of these three things, it’s highly likely you’re dealing with a narcissist, she says.

There are, however, ways to cope.

1. Learn More About How Narcissism Works

Jambazian recommends educating yourself on narcissistic tactics, such as manipulation, gaslighting, blame-shifting, psychological projection, and guilt-tripping. It also may be wise to think of it as a potential personality disorder that will be hard to change.

“Part of this condition includes a lack of recognition of how behavior affects others,” Shine says. “It also means that behavior may be challenging to change, so it is essential to recognize its effects on you and if you want to continue the relationship.”

2. Set and Stick to Boundaries

Setting boundaries is a healthy and necessary step for you as an individual and for your relationships.

“Be firm about what behavior is unacceptable and prioritize your own well-being,” Jambazian says.

Consistency is important, Shine says, as it may show the other person that you cannot be manipulated.

3. Separate Yourself From Their Words

Try to avoid having the other person’s tactics affect you emotionally and outwardly, Jambazian says.

“Learn to respond to the narcissist versus react,” she says. “Create a mental and emotional buffer to protect yourself.”

For starters, it may help to remember that the other person’s words and actions aren’t personal or on you.

4. Keep a Journal

Writing down what you experience can help you avoid rationalizing the other person’s behavior, Jambazian says.

“A great tool is to write two lists down: One is what the narcissist says to you and the other is what you believe is the actual truth,” she says. “This will help you understand what truly is happening in your relationship with the narcissist.”

5. Get Professional Help

There are numerous treatments for personality disorders, and someone can experience multiple disorders at the same time.

6. Consider Cutting Contact

If you feel you are in danger in any way, it’s best to stop engaging with the other person and to call the police if immediate help is needed.

“The last thing you want to do is confront a narcissist, as it could potentially create a dangerous situation, even if there has been no signs of physical abuse,” Stepp says.

You may also want to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling (800) 799-SAFE (7233), texting “START” to 88788, or using the chat function on thehotline.org.

The Takeaway

• Narcissistic victim syndrome is not a formally diagnosed condition, but its traits may appear in people with narcissistic tendencies or narcissistic personality disorder.
• Understanding its traits, such as blaming others, refusing criticism, and claiming constant victimhood, can help you recognize behavioral patterns.
• Coping strategies can include setting boundaries, getting professional help, and potentially cutting off contact altogether.
• If a situation feels physically or emotionally unsafe, limit contact and seek immediate assistance, if necessary.