5 Lesser-Known Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship

Many people equate domestic violence with direct physical abuse, but experts warn this is a dangerous myth. This narrow view of domestic violence can sometimes allow the insidious and far-reaching effects of other kinds of abuse in a relationship to go unacknowledged, says Michele Kambolis, PhD, a clinical therapist and mind-body health specialist based in Vancouver, British Columbia.

In fact, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse, harassment, and stalking all fall under the umbrella of domestic violence, says Jennifer C. Genovese, PhD, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker and an assistant teaching professor in the school of social work at Syracuse University in New York.

Signs of these kinds of abuse in a relationship aren’t always easily detected by people outside the relationship, and can be even harder to recognize for those experiencing them. “Domestic violence typically occurs behind closed doors and may be hidden from loved ones and others outside the relationship. Therefore, being aware of the subtle signs of abuse is essential,” says Dr. Genovese.

Watch out for these five lesser-known signs of an abuser that aren’t based on physical violence.

1. They Insist on Accompanying You Everywhere

An abuser who wants to isolate you from others has many “looks” — including never leaving you alone. This is not because they “love you so much and only want time together,” warns Jennifer Kelman, LCSW, a certified professional counselor based in Boca Raton, Florida. It’s about establishing power and dominance and separating you from loved ones, which makes relying on the abuser necessary, she says.

The abuser may indirectly isolate someone by not allowing them to leave home or carry out any activities alone, such as going to school or work, doctor's appointments, grocery shopping, picking up their children, or participating in events with extended family or friends, Kelman says.

Establishing this type of control doesn’t happen overnight, though. The perpetrator may become progressively more possessive or jealous over time, Genovese says, eventually forbidding the person to participate in any activities alone.

2. They Frequently Employ Gaslighting Tactics

According to Genovese, gaslighting can involve taunting or humiliating a person, for example, and then accusing them of being overly sensitive or dramatic when they react to these taunts. “The victim is made to feel confused, or that their reactions are out of proportion to the circumstances and to begin to question their own reactions and feelings,” she says.

This type of emotional abuse puts people at higher risk of experiencing physical harm, Kambolis adds.

3. They Use ‘Love Bombing’ to Smooth Over Emotional Attacks

Emotional abuse often involves emotional attacks, which Kambolis defines as constant judgment and criticism and treating someone as if they’re worthless. It’s not uncommon for an abuser to emotionally chip away at the other person’s self-esteem, leaving them feeling dependent and incapable of leaving, Kelman adds.

If this pattern of emotional attacks followed by love bombing develops, reach out for support to safely break free of the relationship, Kelman advises. In general, attempts to talk to an abuser about this type of behavior result in the abuser using blaming, manipulating, and gaslighting tactics to avoid responsibility, she says.

4. The Person Being Abused Seems Eager to Please Their Abuser

A person experiencing domestic violence may agree with, compliment, praise, or make excuses for the abuser in an attempt to minimize the abuse, Genovese says.

For example, a person may check in with her abuser before making any decisions, no matter how small. They may also avoid responding to questions in front of others without seeking permission from their abuser. “This permission-granting may be nonverbal, perhaps just a subtle nod of the head, or the blink of an eye, but permission must be granted before the victim feels safe enough to respond,” Genovese says.

5. The Relationship Has Been Through Several Breakups and Makeups

Someone experiencing domestic violence may try to leave an abusive relationship several times before being fully able to reclaim their life, says Kambolis.

• They lack resources, such as a safe place to stay or a reliable mode of transportation.
• They fear falling into financial insecurity or poverty.
• They worry about the well-being of children or pets.

A fear of harm or retribution from the abuser may also lead someone to stay in an abusive relationship and to mistakenly believe they can end the cycle of abuse if they simply “try harder” to make things work or avoid upsetting the abuser, explains Kelman.

The abuser may also threaten self-harm or suicide — a specific form of control used to prevent someone being abused from leaving the relationship, says Genovese.

While it can be emotionally challenging to leave an abusive relationship, getting support is a first step toward healing and freeing yourself from abuse, says Kambolis.

And while it can be difficult to see a loved one return to an abusive relationship, emotional and psychological violence is never the victim’s fault. “We can’t expect an abuse victim to be empowered in a powerless situation. You can, however, be unwavering in your support,” says Kambolis.

Who Is at Risk of Experiencing Domestic Violence?

Also commonly referred to as domestic abuse or intimate partner violence, domestic violence can happen to anyone. “Perpetrators and victims of abusive relationships come from all walks of life, all economic backgrounds and cultures, and can be any race, age, gender, or sexuality,” says Genovese.

That said, some people are known to have a higher risk of experiencing domestic violence at some point in their lives. “Individuals who are isolated, vulnerable, or with limited or unavailable support systems are at great risk of being in abusive relationships,” says Genovese.

Additional risk factors for domestic violence, Genovese notes, are:

• A personal or family history of domestic violence
• Financial instability
• Traditional gender norms
• Lack of social support
• Poor neighborhood support
• Low education level, or having parents with less than a high school education
• Unhealthy family relationships
• Young age

Get Help for Domestic Violence From These Resources

National Domestic Violence Hotline

This hotline is available 24/7 to anyone who needs help leaving an abusive relationship. You can reach the hotline via live chat on its website, by dialing 800-799-SAFE (7233), or texting “START” to 88788. It also offers a guide on what to expect when you contact the hotline.

WomensLaw.org

This organization provides information about state laws pertaining to domestic violence and helps connect people who are experiencing abuse with free or low-cost legal services, as well as domestic violence advocates and shelters.

Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN)

This organization houses the National Sexual Assault Hotline, which offers help from trained support specialists for survivors of sexual assault. Reach RAINN’s hotline by dialing 800-656-HOPE (4673) or chatting online with a live support specialist.

988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline

A history of abuse or trauma is a risk factor for suicide, and any thoughts or mention of suicide should be taken seriously. If you or someone you love is considering suicide, you can reach the toll-free hotline by dialing or texting 988.