What Is the Gray Rock Method — and Does It Work?

When you’re dealing with a toxic, narcissistic, or abusive person, you don’t want to add any fuel to their fire. In fact, in many instances, you’d probably like to simply disappear.

“You're reducing attention, drama, or emotional reactions that the other person is seeking, and then they're no longer getting the reinforcement to engage and their manipulative behavior decreases,” explains Ashwini Nadkarni, MD, a psychiatrist at Mass General Brigham and the associate medical director of Brigham Psychiatric Specialties at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston.

Learn more about the gray rock method, whether or not it’s effective, and the potential benefits and drawbacks of this approach.

The idea is to bore people into leaving you alone, shortening their interaction with you, or reducing some type of unwanted behavior, explains Mitchell Hale, a psychotherapist in Los Angeles with Sawtelle Psychotherapy Group. He says it’s typically used when it’s difficult for you to set a boundary with this person, or they won’t respect the boundaries you’ve already set, and it’s hard to change your environment to avoid them entirely. It’s also useful when direct confrontation is unsafe or unlikely to work, Dr. Nadkarni adds.

The approach is similar to how parents might react to a toddler throwing a tantrum, Nadkarni says: If you minimize your reaction to the emotional meltdown, the child will be less likely to behave that way in the future.

Gray Rock Method vs. Stonewalling

“I think of stonewalling [as] … intentionally stopping the conversation to exercise some sort of power with the conversation,” Hale says.

Stonewalling and gray rocking both involve limiting your participation in a conversation or interaction. But they differ because stonewalling is actually a way to engage in the conflict (by withdrawing), while gray rocking is a way to avoid conflict altogether and protect yourself, Hale explains.

With gray rocking, you don’t completely ignore the other person, Nadkarni says. “You just engage minimally to try to reduce reinforcement and contact so that the manipulative behavior then goes down because that person no longer wants to engage with you.”

The gray rock method isn’t an official psychological approach, and there isn’t scientific research specifically on this topic. That makes it hard for professionals to fairly assess the effectiveness of the gray rock strategy.

That said, it is composed of other approaches that do have research behind them, such as emotional regulation, detachment, boundary-setting, and selective engagement, Nadkarni says, and it may be potentially beneficial in the short term. “It can be a temporary fix in certain situations, like with a coworker,” Hale adds.

Short-term uses of gray rocking, stonewalling, and detachment may help you manage specific unwanted interactions. “However, strategies like this are not substitutes for leaving an unsafe or abusive relationship or seeking professional treatment,” Nadkarni says. “They reduce some immediate stress, but they may not address the underlying harm or risk. Personal safety and emotional well-being should always come first.”

Follow this expert advice to use the gray rock method in your own relationships.

1. Consider the potential benefits and drawbacks. Make sure gray rocking seems like a reasonable approach in your situation. Remember: It shouldn’t totally deplete you, put you in danger, or replace leaving an unsafe or unsustainable relationship.

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2. Keep your plan private. “Do not tell the person that you are going to begin gray rocking them, because that would give away the strategy you’re using,” Hale says. If they are narcissistic or abusive, that may only motivate them to amp up the unwanted behavior, he says.
3. Anticipate an “extinction burst.” “Sometimes, before a behavior dies that you’re setting a boundary against, there can be an increase in the unwanted behavior before it completely goes away,” Hale says. This is called an extinction burst — a sudden eruption of reactivity before the person you’re gray rocking disengages.

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    This reaction isn’t guaranteed, but you may feel more prepared if you guard yourself as if it’s a possibility, he says.
4. Minimize contact. As much as possible, avoid meeting with, spending time with, and talking to the person, including silencing notifications from them on your phone, Nadkarni says. She recommends that when you must be in contact, respond with short and direct answers, don’t argue, limit your emotional reactions and facial expressions, and try to remain calm and even-keeled.
5. Keep safety top of mind. If you have any concerns about your physical safety, suddenly starting to gray rock someone might put you in danger, Hale cautions. Talk to a trusted loved one, consult a mental health professional, or reach out to a domestic violence hotline if you think you could benefit from additional support, he says. Call the confidential National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or text “START” to 88788.
6. Reach out for professional support. Even if you don’t have safety concerns, a mental healthcare provider may be able to help you through this challenging relationship. If you notice any changes in your daily routine — such as to your sleep, appetite, work or school performance, or mood — it may be a good time to find a therapist, Hale says. You might also want to reach out to a professional if you feel constantly on edge, anxious, or stressed about your interactions with this person, or if you’re having difficulty setting and sticking to boundaries and minimizing interactions with them, adds Nadkarni.

• Gray rocking is a colloquial term for a method to deal with toxic or narcissistic people that involves being as boring as a gray rock to limit unwanted behavior. Gray rocking involves staying calm, responding with one-word answers, and limiting facial expressions and other forms of engagement.
• Gray rocking isn’t an official psychological technique, so research into its effectiveness is limited, but it encompasses evidence-based strategies such as boundary-setting, emotional regulation, and detachment when dealing with toxic or narcissistic people.
• The gray rock technique is safer and more effective as a short-term fix for dealing with someone like a coworker, and is less likely to be successful in long-term close relationships, like with a spouse.
• Reach out to a mental healthcare professional if you are in an abusive relationship, and consider professional support anytime a challenging relationship is affecting your health or well-being.