What Not to Say to Someone With Prostate Cancer

When a friend, family member, or other loved one has prostate cancer, you want to be supportive. Yet it's sometimes hard to find the right words. Even with the right intentions, you could say the wrong thing. Some well-meaning phrases minimize or invalidate the person's experience, or add to their stress.

“The challenge is that there often aren't perfect words for a situation that feels frightening, uncertain, and deeply personal,” says Seyma Saritoprak, PhD, a clinical health psychologist at City of Hope Orange County in Irvine, California.

Remember that you don't need to come up with the perfect response. You just need to show up. “I encourage people to focus less on finding the 'right' thing to say and more on listening. Feeling heard, supported, and understood is often more meaningful than receiving advice or encouragement,” Dr. Saritoprak says.

Here are a few examples of what not to say to someone with prostate cancer, and more helpful phrases to use instead.

1. "You're Going to Beat This"

While the goal of this statement is to offer hope, prostate cancer isn't a game you win or lose. “It implies that the prognosis is dependent on someone's effort, rather than cancer biology, which is outside of someone's control,” says Lizzie Cleary, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist at Colla Health, based in Dallas.

What to say instead: “I am here for you” or “How are you feeling?”

2. "You Need to Stay Positive"

What to say instead: “It's okay to feel frightened, angry, or sad right now,” “This sounds really difficult,” or “Do you want to talk about your feelings?”

3. "Prostate Cancer Is a Good Type of Cancer to Have"

Even so, this phrase is misleading. Some cancers are less aggressive or easier to treat than others, but there is no such thing as a “good” type of cancer. “Even when treatment is successful, people may still face uncertainty, side effects, and emotional distress,” says Saritoprak.

What to say instead: “How are you managing?” or “Let me know if you need someone to vent to.”

4. "You Don't Look Sick"

While this statement is meant as a compliment, it minimizes how the person is feeling. “It puts someone in the position of having to explain the many invisible impacts of cancer,” Dr. Cleary says.

What to say instead: “How are you feeling?” or “I can't imagine how you feel, but know that I'm here for you.”

5. "I've Got a Great Treatment for You"

Recommending a prostate cancer treatment that you or someone you know responded to, or worse, an untested therapy that you found online, is never helpful. “Friends and relatives should not decide that they can dispense medical advice, even if they have cancer,” says Wallace Parker Jr., chairperson emeritus and mentor for the nonprofit organization Cancer Hope Network.

What to say instead: “Would it be helpful if I came to your appointments and took notes for you?” or “How can I support you through treatment?”

6. "Everything Happens for a Reason"

It's natural to want to find the silver lining in a difficult diagnosis. The phrase “everything happens for a reason” is rooted in the idea that God or the universe has a plan for everyone, which in your loved one's case included cancer. It forces meaning on what is often a random disease, minimizes the person's pain, and suggests there's a good reason why they got sick, says Saritoprak.

What to say instead: “I care about you and wish you weren't going through this,” or “I can only imagine how hard this must be for you.”

7. "Let Me Know if You Need Anything"

What sounds like a caring request isn't very helpful. “While generous in spirit, it places the burden on the person with cancer to identify a need and ask for help,” says Saritoprak.

What to say instead: “Can I bring over meals for the week?” “I can run errands for you today,” or “Can I drive you to your medical appointment?”