How to Connect With Your Baby While You Manage Postpartum Depression

Many new moms worry about bonding with their baby as they juggle the demands of caring for a newborn and recovering from pregnancy and childbirth. But a diagnosis of postpartum depression (PPD) can supercharge concerns about connecting with your little one.

Postpartum depression can have a major impact on bonding with your baby, says Meleen Chuang, MD, an obstetrician-gynecologist at NYU Langone Health in Brooklyn, New York. “A lot of women expect to feel an instant emotional connection after giving birth, so when that doesn’t happen, moms can feel guilty or that something is wrong with them,” says Dr. Chuang. “With PPD, it’s common to feel emotionally numb, detached, overwhelmed, or like you’re simply going through the motions.” That doesn’t mean you don’t love your baby; it means you have a medical condition. Depression affects your brain, energy levels, emotions, and ability to feel pleasure or connection.

“To bond with another person means that you see them as they truly are and to accurately interpret their signals and respond to them in a positive way. When you are depressed, you can’t do any of that,” says Lulu Zhao, MD, an obstetrician-gynecologist and women’s behavioral health specialist at Cleveland Clinic. “You can’t read body language. You interpret signals negatively.” And negative interpretations can lead to powerful, debilitating thoughts, such as that your baby hates you or you’re not a good mother.

It can also be difficult to get out of bed to tend to your baby when you have postpartum depression. “The sound of crying can be very triggering for depression,” says Dr. Zhao.

This may result in a vicious cycle. As the baby picks up on your lack of response, the baby can get more dysregulated, leading to more crying and fussing, which can make you feel more hopeless. The more depressed you are, the more difficulty you will have bonding, says Zhao.

Getting treated for postpartum depression is a first priority. While it’s not easy to schedule time to see a therapist when you’re a new mom, it’s important to remember that if you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of your baby.

A combination of therapy and medication can be very effective, says Zhao. A great first step is to contact your ob-gyn or primary care provider, who can help streamline the process of finding a therapist. Many healthcare providers also offer telehealth appointments.

In addition to getting the treatment you need, there are some actions you can take to help foster the mother-infant bond.

You may not feel up to the task of getting to know your infant, but if you are receiving treatment, it is going to get better. In the meantime, the old saying “Fake it till you make it” may help you take some proactive steps.

Start With Small Habits

Connecting with your baby doesn’t have to mean grand gestures that take hours. Even spending just a few minutes a day of intentional time with your baby can help the bonding improve, says Natalie Feldman, MD, an attending psychiatrist at Mass General Brigham in Boston who specializes in postpartum depression and anxiety.

Read a book to your little one, hold them while they’re sleeping, or sit with them on a play mat for a little fun floor time. “Doing the activity may help your brain figure out why you want to do it,” says Dr. Feldman. “Sometimes in depression, the action has to come before the desire.”

Prioritize Touch

Lower the Volume

The loud, high-pitched cry of an infant can create sensory overload, especially if the baby is fussy or will not be soothed. “It’s OK to do what you need to do to dim the volume,” says Zhao. Earplugs or a noise machine can help you stay calm when the baby is crying.

Breastfeed if Possible

Talking to other moms with postpartum depression and reframing the condition can also help you manage symptoms as you find ways to connect with your baby.

Join a PPD Support Group

Remind Yourself It’s Temporary

“A lot of parents feel guilty that they’re not bonding with their child. They feel like they’re not being a good enough parent,” says Zhao. Guilt and shame are powerful emotions. But it’s important to remember that it’s not your fault. “Postpartum depression does not reflect an intrinsic character flaw in you. It’s something that’s happening to you, and it can be fixed,” she says.

As with so many things in life, overcoming postpartum depression is a marathon, not a sprint. “A lot of healthy parent-child bonds are built through everyday care, not one magical moment right after birth,” says Chuang. And treating the postpartum depression is what helps the bond improve and makes it more natural.

While it may be hard not to immediately bond with your baby, remember that you have an entire lifetime with your child and many, many opportunities to build a relationship, says Zhao.