How Cognitive Dissonance Shows Up in Our Relationships

It comes as no surprise that cognitive dissonance creeps into our relationships, too. “It impacts relationships in every way possible, both positively and negatively,” says Paraskevi Noulas, PsyD, a clinical associate professor in the department of psychiatry at NYU Grossman School of Medicine in New York City.

No relationship is off-limits — cognitive dissonance can be found in all our social ties, from friendship to marriage. Here are some examples.

How Cognitive Dissonance Affects Friendships

Think of a friend you’ve known for many years. Maybe you attended junior high together or met in a theater group in college.

Decades later, you probably aren’t the same people you were back then. “Oftentimes our beliefs and values will change as we grow up, and we may encounter new differences between ourselves and old friends,” says Corrine Leikam, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist who practices near Los Angeles. You don’t necessarily need to break up with your friend because you don’t have as many things in common. But you may experience cognitive dissonance when you wonder if your friendship only exists because of how long you’ve known each other.

Cognitive dissonance can come up in everyday friend situations, too. Let’s say your friend was supposed to meet you at the movie theater. “I arrive, and she’s already in the theater, and now I have to stand in a long line by myself and might not even get a ticket because it’s almost sold out,” Dr. Noulas says. Why didn’t she buy you a ticket and wait for you?

You experience dissonance because you like your friend and appreciate her positive qualities, but you’re also angry with her for this incident and potentially others when she acts in a way that frustrates you or makes extra work for you.

“You either decide that yes, she’s a great friend and this isn’t important, it’s no big deal to wait in line,” Noulas says. You might also realize that your friend is complex, like most people, or that you need to be more assertive in your friendship and discuss your thoughts and feelings.

Or ultimately, you may decide, no, she’s constantly doing inconsiderate things like this, and you’re tired of it, so you leave or start to invest less energy in that friendship.

How Cognitive Dissonance Affects Dating

Similar situations occur within romantic relationships, but it can become a bit more complicated if and when the person involved is someone you see as a potential lifelong partner. “Obviously, it will be very rare to find someone with every single characteristic on your list, or exactly matching goals,” Dr. Leikam says. So you compromise to make the relationship work.

Let’s say you fall in love with someone from a different religion, for example. “Your family is against the marriage, and you also never thought you’d marry someone outside of your religion,” Noulas says. You’re left with a choice: You can magnify the importance of religion and break up with him or her, justifying your decision by saying it never would have worked out.

Or you can choose to stay with your partner and tell yourself religion actually isn’t all that important to you. You’ll rationalize that choice by saying you don’t practice your religion much anyway or that it’s more important to find someone who is kind and faithful than someone who comes from the same religious background, Noulas says.

An alternative that might not require fully siding one way or the other could be to stay with your partner and figure out how to honor your spiritual foundation — and, in some instances, discuss their willingness to convert.

To make the relationship work, “we may rationalize the negative characteristics in order to align with our vision of what the relationship should be,” Leikam says. It can be positive if you decide to drop unrealistic expectations. Or it can be negative if you end up minimizing concerning personality traits (“red flags”), Leikam says.

How Cognitive Dissonance Affects Marriages

Similar to friendships, in marriage, “you will grow and change and make an effort to keep the relationship alive and thriving,” Leikam says. An internal dissonance can result when you and your husband or wife have different views, attitudes, or behaviors. You can love your partner and recognize all they have done to improve your life, and also see that they challenge you in ways that no one else does, or do things that you're not crazy about.

Sometimes, you’ll just let your partner’s behavior slide, and other times you’ll adjust your own beliefs to be consistent with theirs. But things get sticky when you compromise your values for the sake of the marriage. For example, if you stop volunteering for an organization you’ve always cared about or stop a hobby because your partner doesn’t support it or isn’t interested.

How severe the dissonance is depends on the behavior and how big the gap is between the behavior and your beliefs, Leikam says.

Minor Dissonance

Let’s say you stop playing in a Ping-Pong league with some coworkers because after you get married, you realize it’s cutting into a night you and your spouse have together. Though you enjoy the Ping-Pong league, you realize you’d rather devote that time to your marriage, Ping-Pong is not a passion of yours, and you see your coworkers at the office anyway. The dissonance or discomfort you feel is likely not that great.

Greater Dissonance

Let’s say your spouse gets transferred to a different state for work. The conflict you feel about having to leave behind friends, family, your job, and your old routines to be with your spouse is probably greater.

Embracing Dissonance

So while having conflicting beliefs about your relationship can have a powerful impact on whether you stay in it, it isn't the main driver — regulating emotions and communicating openly with your partner can be just as important for a healthy relationship.

The Role Cognitive Dissonance Plays in Abusive Relationships

It’s important to note that too much dissonance can enable abuse in relationships, too. Oftentimes, the abused partner is motivated to make the relationship work, Leikam explains.

In abusive relationships, the abused partner may justify the abuser’s behavior and downplay what happened and how it made them feel to reduce the dissonance, Noulas says, focusing instead on the abusive partner’s positive traits.

So they might say it’s okay that their spouse hit them because it was a one-time thing, and that they're usually more loving. Or they may place the blame on themselves.

The Takeaway

• Cognitive dissonance refers to the discomfort caused by holding conflicting beliefs or emotions.
• It can be present in all our social relationships and may sometimes force us to compromise our values to keep the peace or maintain the relationship.
• Too much dissonance may create an unhealthy relationship dynamic and can enable abuse.

Additional reporting by Andria Park Huynh.