Alzheimer’s Isn’t Your Fault: How to Practice Self-Compassion

Memory lapses are common among people with Alzheimer’s disease — and yet, you might feel increasingly frustrated with yourself whenever you experience one.

These bouts of memory loss or confusion aren’t reflections of your intelligence or capability, says Ronald Schwartz, MD, a board-certified geriatrician and chief medical officer at Masonicare in Wallingford, Connecticut. They’re symptoms of a disease that you’re doing everything you can to control.

While you can’t always control your symptoms, you can control how you treat yourself.

Everyday Health spoke with Alzheimer’s experts, as well as three people living with the condition and one person's care partner, to uncover small self-compassion strategies that can make a big difference.

“Instead of saying, ‘What is wrong with me? Why can’t I remember this?’ try ‘This is difficult for me right now, and it’s okay to ask for help,’” says David Perlmutter, MD, a board-certified neurologist and author of Brain Defenders.

Whenever you find it hard to give yourself grace, ask yourself, ‘What would I tell a loved one if they were going through this?’ Odds are, you’d treat them with empathy and tell them not to blame themselves.

Remember: “A diagnosis describes a disease — it does not define a person,” says Dr. Perlmutter.

Activities that once came easily may now become challenging. Rather than feeling discouraged, though, try to participate in activities you can do — or modify the routines you used to do.

“Focus attention on what remains possible, rather than continually measuring what has been lost,” says Perlmutter.

For instance, even if it’s difficult to finish a puzzle, you may still enjoy the process of doing it. Or, if knitting has become too taxing, you might try using a simpler pattern or a chunkier type of yarn.

“There’s going to be loss, and we should not minimize that,” says Karen Lincoln, PhD, MSW, a social worker, gerontology researcher, and professor of environmental and occupational health at the University of California in Irvine. “But there are also abilities, relationships, interests, and sources of meaning that remain.”

Spend time with people who will lift you up. They can also remind you to practice self-compassion at times when you’re quick to judge or criticize yourself.

Ask a friend or family member to help you work through negative thoughts, or to lend a hand during a particularly frustrating task.

Dr. Lincoln urges her patients to look beyond managing cognitive symptoms. “We also need to ask, ‘Am I feeling socially connected? Am I engaged in things I enjoy? Am I showing signs of depression or withdrawal?’” Make time for activities that relax you and provide a sense of joy, such as restorative exercise, mindfulness practices, or creative hobbies like painting.

Better yet, make tending to your mental health a part of your overall Alzheimer’s treatment plan. In addition to doing relaxing activities, that can include things like attending a support group, talking with loved ones about how you’re doing, and keeping your care team updated about your emotional health. If you start to struggle with signs of anxiety or depression, they can offer coping strategies or potentially refer you to a mental health practitioner or suggest medication to ease symptoms.