Why Losing Dolly Parton Is Hitting Us So Hard

If Dolly Parton’s death has left you crying at a song you’ve heard a hundred times, texting the person who first played her music for you, or simply feeling more wrecked than you expected, you are part of a major global movement.

Social media is full of people — including celebrities like her goddaughter, Miley Cyrus, as well as millions of fans who never met her — sharing their deep sadness at her passing.

Parton, who died August 25 at age 80, has been part of popular culture for more than six decades. She leaves behind a legacy of kindness, love, and unconditional acceptance that has touched many of us, as individuals but also collectively as Americans.

“We sometimes assume that the intensity of grief should correspond to how personally or intimately we knew someone. But grief doesn’t work quite that way,” says Wendy G. Lichtenthal, PhD, director of the Center for the Advancement of Bereavement Care at Sylvester Comprehensive Cancer Center and a professor at the University of Miami Miller School of Medicine.

“What seems to matter is the nature of the attachment and the meaning the person held for us. If something meaningful is lost, we may grieve,” she says.

With Dolly, what many of us lost may be about much more than a favorite entertainer.

Why Grieving a Celebrity Can Feel So Personal

There’s a name for the connection people can develop with someone they know only through music, movies, television, or social media: a parasocial relationship.

“While these relationships aren’t reciprocal in the way our relationships with family and friends are, that doesn’t mean they aren’t meaningful,” explains Dr. Lichtenthal. In fact, research suggests how close someone feels to a public figure may matter more to the intensity of their grief than whether they actually knew that person, she says.

Instead, the feelings are connected to what Dolly represents and means to you, says Lichtenthal. “Maybe her music reminds us of our childhood, her movies helped us through a difficult time, or her philanthropic work inspired us. Over time, those things can become woven into our memories, identities, and experiences,” she says.

There can also be a second loss underneath the first. “Celebrity deaths can make time visible. Someone who has seemingly always been there is suddenly gone,” says Lichtenthal.

Dolly’s death may remind you of the younger person you were when you first heard her music, a parent or grandparent who loved her, or someone else you’ve lost. It can be an unsettling reminder that the people who seemed permanent when you were growing up can’t live forever. And that you yourself are getting older.

So you may be reacting to something more than a hero’s passing. “We may also be grieving what they represented and the parts of our own lives that became connected to them,” says Lichtenthal.

Why Dolly’s Loss Feels So Big

Part of what made Dolly exceptional was her broad appeal and universal adoration.

“Dolly Parton had an extraordinary ability to belong to many different groups without seeming to belong exclusively to any one of them,” says Lichenthal. People across generations, geographic regions, faiths, political perspectives, and identities found something in her that felt familiar or meaningful, she says.

In a time when seemingly everything can become politically or culturally charged, Dolly was a rare patch of common ground. Her public persona conveyed humor, faith, generosity, self-acceptance, and, for many people, an absence of judgment.

“Dolly was, in a very real sense, someone people gathered around, and now, after her death, she is bringing people together again,” says Lichenthal.

People Loved Dolly Because She Didn’t Pass Judgment

Dolly’s message of acceptance was central to who she was, and it resonated especially with people who grew up ostracized for their sexual orientation or gender identity.

“She became an LGBTQIA+ icon through her devotion to her queer fans, her rejection of religious judgment and defense of transgender people, despite being a proud and vocal Christian woman,” says Desiree Taranto, a licensed mental health counselor with diagnostic privilege who is certified in dialectical behavioral therapy, and clinical director at Empower Your Mind Therapy, a mental health practice in New York City.

Music and Shared Memories Can Make Grief Feel Less Lonely

When someone famous dies, there’s a collective grief that connects people, especially in the age of social media, says Taranto. “People are sharing pictures, songs, and stories of how Dolly touched their lives and what she meant to them.”

So if putting on “Coat of Many Colors” makes you cry, that doesn’t mean you need to turn it off. Listening to the songs that matter to you, watching an old performance with someone who loved Dolly too, or swapping stories about what she meant to you can “help to not feel so alone in your grief,” Taranto says.

How to Take Care of Yourself When the Loss Feels Heavy

If part of you is thinking, “I shouldn’t be this upset,” Taranto’s first advice is simple: “Accept your feelings.”

She also suggests reaching out to others who are grieving, telling stories about Dolly, listening to her music, watching her movies, or writing about what the loss is bringing up for you.

If your reaction feels bigger than you expected, consider what might be underneath the grief you’re experiencing, says Lichtenthal.

You may also be grieving what she represented, and the parts of our own lives that became connected to her: your childhood, someone you miss, getting older, a place you came from, or a quality Dolly represented that feels increasingly rare, she says.