What Are the 5 Love Languages (and How Can You Practice Yours)?

Your love language can be a road map for exploring yourself and your relationships. More than 30 years ago, the book The 5 Love Languages introduced the concept of love languages to society. Since then, it’s become part of the cultural lexicon.

The idea is that everyone has a preferred way of expressing and receiving love, which falls into one of five categories, or “languages.” They include:

• Gift giving and receiving
• Words of affirmation
• Physical touch
• Acts of service
• Quality time

Learning to understand your partner’s love language may help you improve communication and strengthen your relationship.

Read on for the meanings of each love language, the theory behind them, and how to build a happy relationship by finding your love language and putting it into practice.

The idea that people show and receive love in five different ways was developed in the book The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, PhD. Dr. Chapman was the senior associate pastor at Calvary Baptist Church in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, for five decades.

The book hit bookstores in 1992. Since then, updated editions and versions have focused on men, singles, military couples, and more.

The five love languages framework aims to help couples hear and say “I love you” by recognizing their romantic partner's expressions of love and showing love in ways the other person in the relationship can appreciate.

Even if you can relate to different expressions of love, Chapman’s theory is that we all have a primary language that speaks to us the most.

1. Gifts

You express love through presents. These can be small tokens or bigger items.

2. Acts of Service

Actions speak louder than words. You demonstrate your affection with thoughtful gestures, such as cooking a meal, cleaning the house, or filling the car with gas. When others do the same for you, you feel loved.

3. Words of Affirmation

You most appreciate giving and receiving love through kind words, including compliments, praise, cheerleading, and other verbal expressions of support or admiration. For you, words speak louder than actions.

4. Quality Time

You feel most loved when you spend meaningful, focused time with your partner. This may mean sharing a meal, taking a staycation, or learning a new skill together, like painting, pottery, or dancing.

5. Physical Touch

You prefer to bond through physical contact. Think hugging, kissing, holding hands, cuddling, and having sex.

The 5 Love Languages suggests that some telltale signs show you favor one love language over the others. Think about how you express affection and respond to your partner’s displays of affection. See if you recognize yourself or your partner in any of these categories.

• Gifts You show love and care with gifts, put extra time and effort into finding the perfect gift, and enjoy receiving gifts yourself.
• Acts of Service You look for ways to be helpful, like finishing the chores, making dinner, or running important errands — and you appreciate when your partner does the same for you.
• Words of Affirmation You value sharing your emotions and hearing your partner talk about theirs. You make an effort to offer reassurance to your partner, and compliments are a key to your heart.
• Quality Time You come up with intentional, well-planned ideas about what you and your partner can do when you’re together. You appreciate spending quality time with your partner, and when they give you their full attention, being fully present and without distractions.
• Physical Touch You like physical intimacy — to cuddle, touch, and kiss. When you’re upset or having a bad day, a hug calms you down more than words.

Another great way to figure out which love language you and your partner prefer is to take Chapman’s love language quiz. “This quiz is highly effective, and I recommend it to all my couples,” says Richard Heller, a trained mediator and relationship counselor in New York City.

There’s not a lot of high-quality, evidence-based research to support the use of love languages in a relationship. Anecdotally, though, some people have found it boosts relationship health and satisfaction.

“Love languages are a great tool to supplement the health of a relationship,” says Jessica Small, a marriage and family counselor with Jessica Small Counseling and Coaching in Denver. “Speaking to your partner in their love language ensures that they feel loved, cared for, and important. It also creates increased opportunities for positive interactions.”

The love languages framework has its share of drawbacks.

For one thing, The 5 Love Languages was written through a Christian lens, which may reduce its relevance for people who aren’t religious or who follow another faith. The book also focuses on monogamous, cisgender, heterosexual couples, so it may feel alienating to people in other types of relationships.

Also, while Chapman calls himself a “marriage counselor,” he is not a licensed marriage or individual counselor. He holds a Doctor of Philosophy (PhD) degree in adult education from Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, Kentucky.

Instead, verbal affirmations, accountability, encouragement for individual pursuits, and support during hard times were significant predictors of a healthy relationship.

While it may be tempting to believe that love languages will fix a broken relationship, they are not the solution to all relationship issues.

“When a couple has a basic communication problem, showing that you love them is helpful, but it will not resolve differences that are central in the relationship,” Heller says.

Once you and your partner know each other’s love languages, you can find ways to practice them to express heartfelt commitment.

And don’t worry if you and your partner have different love languages, says Small: “Most partners in a couple have different love languages; the key is to focus on giving love in the way your partner receives it, not the way you do.”

Here are some suggestions from Heller and Small to get you started.

Gifts

• Pick up their favorite snack or treat when you’re at the store.
• Make them a personalized playlist.
• Present your partner with a framed photo from a trip you took together.
• Surprise them with coffee or breakfast in bed.

Acts of Service

• Brew them some fresh coffee in the morning.
• Make a dinner reservation.
• Pick up groceries and cook a meal.
• Schedule a massage for them.

Words of Affirmation

• Give a sincere compliment.
• Express gratitude and appreciation for your partner, unprompted.
• Share a poem or quote.
• Send a text message thanking them for something they did for you.

Quality Time

• Turn off notifications or put your cell phone away when you're together.
• Plan a date night or weekend away.
• Go for a walk together after dinner.

Physical Touch

• Hold their hand.
• Greet them with a hug the next time you see them.
• Cuddle when you watch a movie.
• Offer a massage.

The love languages apply to all relationships, not just romantic ones. “The fact is, everyone likes to be loved,” Heller says.

To use the love languages framework in a nonromantic relationship, first observe how someone shows that they care for you. This will tell you their love language and what forms of affection will resonate most.

For example, does your friend typically coordinate your get-togethers? Reciprocate with an act of service, like making the dinner reservations the next time you meet up. Does your coworker pick up coffee for you without being asked? Take them out to lunch to return the gift and show them they’re appreciated.

It’s just as important to show yourself some love as it is to show love to your loved ones — and Heller and Small both note that the love languages framework can apply to your self-care routine.

“Human beings literally cannot love others without loving themselves first,” says Heller. “To love qualities in others, we first recognize what those qualities are somewhere else. Guess where? In ourselves!”

Once we identify our love language, he adds, it becomes much easier to take time to love and care for ourselves.

To reap the self-care benefits of the five love languages, Small recommends exploring how each might translate to expressions of self-love.

For example, if your love language is acts of service, she suggests outsourcing household tasks that bog you down (like cleaning or cooking). Or, if you need to spend some quality time by yourself, consider treating yourself to a spa day.

Here are some ways to “translate” love languages into a self-care framework.

Gifts

• Treat yourself to your favorite coffee drink from your local coffee shop instead of your usual home-brewed cup.
• Reward yourself with a professional massage or facial after a long week at work.
• Make room in your budget for a special treat or experience you’ve been wanting for a long time.

Acts of Service

• Organize your work or living space.
• Create a to-do list to help yourself stay on top of your responsibilities.
• Cook yourself a nice meal.

Words of Affirmation

• Write yourself a love letter.
• Make a list of positive affirmations to tell yourself daily.
• Spend time journaling about positive experiences and things you’re looking forward to.

Quality Time

• Take yourself on a date to a museum, a movie, or a park.
• Start a meditation practice you enjoy.
• Find and practice a new hobby.

Physical Touch

• Give yourself a facial or foot massage.
• Put on your softest, coziest PJs and curl up under a blanket when you need to relax.
• Take a bubble bath.

• The five love languages are gifts, acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, and physical touch.
• Although there’s little scientific evidence for Gary Chapman’s love languages theory, many people use their love languages to strengthen their relationships.
• You can also apply the same principles to self-care and nonromantic relationships in your life.
• If you feel that miscommunication in love languages is negatively impacting your relationship, consider consulting a relationship coach or counselor for additional support and guidance.