5 Unexpected Reasons You Feel Grief (and What to Do About It)

“Anytime we have a situation where we’re going into something new, there’s simultaneously something we’re leaving behind,” says Sherry Cormier, PhD, a Morgantown, West Virginia–based psychologist and bereavement specialist and the author of Sweet Sorrow: Finding Enduring Wholeness After Loss and Grief.

That’s why some people find themselves feeling grief even though nothing bad has happened, or during moments that are typically celebrated, like a graduation. “Grief shows up when something meaningful is ending,” says Toni Filipone, a Pennsylvania-based grief coach in private practice. “For example, graduation is absolutely an ending, even though it’s also a beginning.”

There isn’t much scientific research on these moments of grief, especially compared with research on grief after the death of a loved one. But that doesn’t mean they’re not important to recognize and prepare for. Keep reading to discover other unexpected places grief shows up and how to cope as you grieve these life transitions.

1. Parenthood

Grief might arrive when you add a second or third child to your family, too. “There can be some grief or longing for the family dynamic that was there,” says Tori Sacha Cordiano, PhD, a clinical psychologist in private practice in Beachwood, Ohio.

Plus, if you’ve experienced the death of one of your own parents, becoming a parent might stir up grief around missing them, explains Vicki Botnick, a licensed marriage and family therapist with a private practice in Los Angeles who specializes in grief and loss.

Find ways to cultivate your former identity, too. “Caring for a child really drains a lot of gas from your tank,” Cordiano says. “Hold on to the pieces that allow you to feel connected to the life that you had before, the things that fill the tank back up.”

You might not be able to swing full nights off or solo trips right away, but maybe you can find time for a 20-minute walk, a coffee on your own before anyone else wakes up, or a peaceful shower without interruptions, Filipone says.

If your grief is for a person who’s no longer with you, consider making a photo album or writing down stories about the person. Then you can share these keepsakes with your child to acknowledge your lost loved one’s meaning in your life, Botnick suggests.

2. Marriage

Even when you’re thrilled to be getting married, you might grieve your single identity. “You are grieving your independence, your spontaneity, your life built entirely around your own choices,” Filipone says. “You’re grieving, in a way, freedom and possibility. Even when you’re choosing exactly what you want, other futures are being released.”

You might be grieving time spent with single friends; your home, if you’re moving in with your spouse; your name, if you’re changing yours; or the traditions of your family of origin, as your priorities shift, she says.

Weddings are also a time when grief around those who have died resurfaces. “Any wonderful experience that you’re having, you want it to be witnessed by your loved ones,” Botnick says.

How to Cope Remind yourself that feeling sad about your wedding is common and not a red flag or a reason to call it off, Filipone says. Find ways to honor the part of your identity you’re grieving, such as maintaining one of your solo hobbies or scheduling regular meetups with your friends, Cormier says.

If you find yourself really struggling with thoughts like: “Did I make a mistake? Did I partner with the wrong person?” talk to a mental healthcare provider, she says. They can help you work through these feelings before they spiral deeper, she says.

3. Graduation

This grief is unexpected for many people who feel excited about the future. “Even if somebody is thrilled about what’s next, many graduates find themselves grieving friendships that won’t look the same or a lifestyle that they’re leaving behind,” she says.

How to Cope If there are particular relationships you’re grieving, think about ways to stay connected. “It can be a little challenging, because life can get in the way, but you can schedule times to reach out to your friend, say every Sunday at 7 p.m.,” Filipone says.

To manage feelings of grief around someone who is no longer with you, try writing a letter to them, explaining that you graduated and that they’d be so proud, Botnick says. “Then, write a letter back to yourself from your loved one, imagining what they might say, and how they might be feeling.”

4. Job Change

Being laid off is often an expected moment of grief. But unexpected grief might also show up when you choose to change positions. Even if you’re excited about a new professional opportunity, you may still feel grief over losing the identity and community from your previous role. “Work gives many people a sense of purpose, identity, community, and routine,” Filipone says. “It shapes how they spend their days and how they see themselves.”

How to Cope Try to accept that those feelings are present with self-compassion. “Instead of trying to push the feelings away, allow them to be there,” Botnick says. A mental health care professional can help, especially if you feel like you can’t talk about these feelings with friends or family, she adds.

If you’re grieving relationships with particular coworkers, find ways to keep in touch, like maintaining a group text or getting together for lunch once a quarter, for example.

5. Birthdays

You might find yourself taking stock of all you’ve accomplished — or all you haven’t accomplished — and grieving younger versions of yourself, especially when it’s a milestone birthday, she says.

How to Cope Release the pressure to feel only happy on your birthday, and allow both joy and sadness to be present, Filipone says. She suggests writing a letter to your younger self, acknowledging who you were at the last milestone, what you’ve accomplished since then, what you didn’t accomplish, and how your priorities have shifted. “This turns the birthday from a reckoning into a conversation with yourself,” she says.

If the pressure of a milestone birthday feels heavy, remind yourself that everyone operates on their own timelines. “The grief often comes from comparing your real life to an imagined schedule somebody else handed you,” she says. “Ask whose timeline you’re actually grieving.”

Lastly, find a way to mark the day that feels authentic to what you’re actually experiencing. “If big parties feel hollow, don’t have one!” Filipone says. You might opt for dinner with close friends, sleeping late and enjoying one of your favorite hobbies, or any other tradition that feels more true to you, Cordiano says.